Summer Mail Bag

Friday, July 15th, 2011 @ 5:56 pm | Headline, Other

We’re getting alot more mail these days, and for some strange reason, most of it has been complimentary. And as nice as it is to hear about it when people like our movies, I have to admit that the hate mail is a lot more fun.

I think this guy really liked 2012: ICE AGE:

I actually made it all the way through this movie.  The only reason I was able to was to see how many
times the movie defied all rules of physics, mathematics, and common fucking
sense. How the hell does a Cesna blow up in such spectacular fashion if it is almost
out of fuel?  How do helicopters deploy troops on something moving 200
mph? If it’s soooooo fucking cold, why is it that nobody zips up their
jackets?  I can deal with bad acting, bad screenplay, but how is it even
conceiveable to pay your bills?  Also, it really is simple to use a
mushroom cloud style explosion for the nukes, but instead looked like somebody
hit it with hand grenades.  If you guys paid each person in the credits 5
bucks so they could grab some Micky D’s during their lunch, you would still
lose money on this movie.  You should hire 1 lonely person who actually
graduated the 3rd grade to go over your piece of shit movies like this one just
to tell you how bad you really are.  There are not enough words in my
thesaurus to describe the absurdity of this movie.  “B” Movie, yea right, this gigantic swirling turd doesnt even deserve
a letter in the alphabet.  If I send you 10 bucks, will you burn this epic
fail shit stain so people dont punch babies? Ryan PS Do you guys all live in your moms basements?

This person thinks our movies need to be longer:

i saw Titanic 2 and it was the worst thing ive seen. The graphics
were 1980s video game bad, the acting was horrible, the story was sooooo
stupid, and you compressed a movie which should be 3 hours like the first one
and put it in 1 hour in a half. To wrap it all together, most Asylum movies get
lower than 3 stars out of 10 on IMBD. Just saying.

Sometimes viewers have questions:

I’m just writing to ask what the general aims of Asylum
are. What’s the intention of making films that resemble other
films? I guess what I mean is: Why do you do what you do? I’m not trying to offend anyone, I think your continued
effort merits respect. I’m just not sure, for example, what was the thought
behind “The Titanic 2″ – surly it’s obvious absurdity is apparent
even from the title? None the less I wish Asylum all the best, but I would
really like to find out the motive/aims and thought behind the movies of
Asylum! Thanks for your time, Iain

Sometimes I have answers: Money

I honestly can’t believe that you guys continue to make
movies. I mean come on Aliens vs hunters! I can’t believe you guys can’t come
up with a good movie idea!?? Like I’m not trying to be mean but if you guys
didn’t make like 15 movies a year and slowed down to pit time in a good movie I
bet it would be great! I’m just suggesting this because the animation in all
the “mega” movies I could do better animation in microsoft paint!
Thank you if you read this this is a good tip! I doubt you guys read this but
if you do please respond to me Thanks,, matthew

You know, that’s the second most overused insult people employ against us (I covered the first one here). Okay, here’s a challenge: Send us the visual effects you do in Paint, and if we agree that they’re better, we will hire you. Of course, you have to do 500 of them. And you only have three weeks.

This one is about TRANSMORPHERS: FALL OF MAN:

 just wanted to say, that the message would need 20 mio lightyears to the planet. Everything else (especially 5 years, including travel
of the robots (they seemed quite slow btw.) is physically impossible. Maybe think about logical problems like this before doing the next mockbuster.

We apologize for screwing up the physics on our giant, transforming robot movie.

And, finally, to start the weekend on a positive note:

This is a short note to express the appreciation of my wife and myself for your HIGHLY entertaining movies. Our
Friday Asylum nights have become the cornerstone of our relationship…that and the booze. If you or the creative staff like cookies, let us know…the missus whips up a
fine molasses crinkle. Consider it a ‘thanks’ for all the enjoyment we’ve had over the last few months from your hard work.

Thank you, John and Andrea.

Send. Cookies. Now.

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    5 Responses to “Summer Mail Bag”

    1. Trevor Says:

      Haha, the first is the best! To be honest though, even if you did make a “good” movie and utilized the cutting edge graphics software Paint (haha) people would still complain and hate. Honestly it’s kind of a crapshoot on such a low budget and extreme time constraints. I will say your guy’s comedies rock. :)

    2. Mike Says:

      Well, you know what they say – good publicity or bad publicity – just make sure you spell my name right!

    3. TheDM Says:

      You’re the best Paul!

    4. Matthew Mosley Says:

      The Asylum should start an original horror franchise :)

    5. Mirek Says:

      Well, about people who complain about Asylum movies – they are right, and no mocking will change this. I admit – I’ve never seen any of Asylum movies, but honestly – I don’t want to. There’s already too much naive American movies in TV after all. But do not get me wrong – everytime I think about Asylum and your “original” movies – it simply makes me laugh. And a laughing man is a happy man, so I do not complain. You should not either.

      Best,
      Mirek.

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