Rimawi and I just returned from the EFM in Berlin where we had the most successful market in Asylum history (the world loves crappy movies about oversized fish).

That’s me in front of the remnants of the Berlin wall freezing my ass off. It pretty much snowed the whole time, but at least I wasn’t in Cannes.

This was my first time in Germany and I was  impressed by the friendly people, the excellent beer, and the cleanliness of the public restrooms, which I visited often (mostly due to the quantity of beer).

 The trailers for our February and March releases METEOR APOCALYPSE and 6 GUNS are now online.

METEOR APOCALYPSE is an End Times thriller starring Joe Lando and Claudia Christian.

6 GUNS is our first western starring Barry Van Dyke, Greg Evigan, Brian Wimmer and Sage Mears.

METEOR APOCALYPSE will be released on February 23, 2010.

6 GUNS will be released on March 30, 2010.

Regular visitors to this site know that we like to occassionally share some of the input we receive from our “fans.”

Below are actual excerpts from some of our favorite comments and letters.

As always, please be warned that these are not edited for profanity or grammatic butchery.

Here is a comment on 2012: SUPERNOVA:

Apparently this movie is being compared to a skunk crawling into a sewer, fucking a rat, having a baby, the baby eats the parents, the baby fucks a camel, the camel-rat-skunk baby then goes into a 90 year olds ass, the old 90 year old farts, the thing farts, it dies, it farts again, the old man pulls it out of its ass, eats it, pukes, wraps it in tin foil, eats and pukes it again about 5.7 times, and then dies of a heart attack.

This one came in under the subject line: “One Word Review:”

awful.  just awful.

your films make Uwe Boll look like Martin Scorsese.

I’m really bad at math, but I’m pretty sure that’s twelve words.

Now, if only this one were true:

make a sex pot 2 I will give y ou 5 million to make it.

That would be a $4,900,000 profit! Cha-ching!

It’s really not fair to make fun of people who write to you in a language that isn’t their own. But, then, life isn’t fair:  

This film is the most bad film I ever seen. So many mistakes in audio and also in video. I mean, its better for (you) to work at supermarked but not in film-industry. So very bad, I´ve never seen before. I´m workin as an audio-engineer (sound design) in a music-film-studio. If I would work so bad like you, I didn´t get some new work anytime…

Finally, my personal favorite:

I’m just in contact for a comment about the 2012 Doomsday. I wish this comment was taken as constructive criticism.

I could not watch this movie. It’s very bad.

This is perhaps the coolest reference about one of our movies I’ve ever seen … yes, even cooler than Sally Forth.

The graphic on the left is the creation of designer Stephen Taubman and it proves scientifically that MEGA SHARK is real and that we are geniuses (yeah… I’m pretty sure that’s what it proves…).

If you need designers, I suggest you hire this guy. We’d do it… but he’s obviously too smart to work for us.

Thanks to our friend Osvaldo for letting us know about this.

 I can’t wait to see the infographic for MEGAPIRANHA…

I make it a rule to avoid reading the user comments about our movies on sites like imdb.com, Amazon, and YouTube.

This is because I believe that most people who comment on these sites are eleven years old. I also think that the anonymity of the internet allows people to say things they’d never say if they had to use their real names. But mostly I avoid reading them because it’s just too painful.

If you look at the various sites you’ll invariably notice that someone has described every one of our movies as “the worst movie ever made.”

Really? Every single one? The worst? 

Have none of these people seen Crash?

Happy New Year!

With the coming of 2010, I’ve decided to reveal my secret identity. Admin is Asylum partner Paul Bales (that’s me pictured on the left with my dog, Winnie, who, by the way, is not wearing a costume… she actually is the devil).

I’m letting you know who I am for a couple of reasons:

First, ego. I’m tired of everyone thinking Latt is responsible for all these little bon mots. David can be the spokesmodel for all those fancy magazines and radio shows. This little piece of digital real estate is mine.

Second, I think it’s important to stand behind what you say… especially on the internets. And although I’ve never tried to be anonymous, now there won’t be any question about who is talking smack about INVASION OF THE POD PEOPLE.

Which leads to the final reason for this unmasking: “The opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of the management.” What I write is what I think. It’s not official Asylum policy. Latt and Rimawi would never say the mean things I do about our ”movies.”

Now stop reading this and go rent PRINCESS OF MARS (It’s actual footage of that time Antonio Sabato, Jr. and Tracy Lords went to another planet).

Things must be must be slow at the end of the year because The Asylum has been appearing all over the news.

We already told you about this one: http://www.theasylum.cc/blog/2009/12/were-number-1/

Then Cinematical did a nice feature on our cover art: http://www.cinematical.com/2009/12/29/cinematical-seven-asylum-dvd-covers-that-make-my-head-spin/

And we were thrilled to learn that MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS made the Yahoo top ten trailer list for 2009: http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/2009-top-trailers.html

Even the print media is starting to notice. A few years ago New York Post did a feature about us, a couple years later it was Empire, then The New York Times and finally Daily Variety. Now Wired has piled on. You can read Brian Raftery’s mockbuster of every other article ever written about us here: http://www.wired.com/magazine/2009/12/ff_the_asylum/

Hey, as long as they spell our names right…

Just like the rest of the world, The Asylum was shocked and saddened to learn of Brittany Murphy’s tragic death yesterday.

As those of you are regular visitors to this site know, Brittany starred in our latest film, MEGAFAULT, and we are proud to have worked with her.

Director David Michael Latt had this to say about his experiences working with Brittany: 

“Brittany approached everyday on set with smiles and a cheery attitude. She made it a point to meet everyone in the crew, and thank the fans that came to set. I remember one instance when she heard that a young man just came back from two tours in Iraq. She went up to this soldier and thanked him for his service, took some pictures, and gave an autograph — even though she was in the middle of a very emotional scene.”

Rest in Peace…

As some of know, every year Latt and his family sponsor a toy drive for the Toys for Tots program (in a futile attempt to atone for the terrible movies he’s made all year) and he’s asked me to pass along this note of thanks:

“We had a lot of contributions this year including some outstanding toys from Anya Benton, Scott Meehan, our own Lisa Ries, and Latt’s Uncle Allen — but it was D.C. Douglas, an old friend of The Asylum… and a longtime actor, that has won The Asylum’s Annual Toy Drive for Toys For Tots. D.C. stole from our local toy stores and delivered to our charity. He’s a real modern day Robin Hood (No, we are not making that movie!).

D.C. wins a chance to go to heaven, and a part in an upcoming Asylum film. Maybe it’s a snuff film. Maybe porn. We don’t know. Stay tuned.  

But thanks to everyone that brought in a toy. This year we will be supplying holiday toys to over 1,500 kids in our area!”

Still need a gag gift for that White Elephant Party you’re going to on Christmas Eve?

Want to teach a lesson to a naughty boy or girl, but think coal is so 19th Century?

Then give the gift that everyone is sure to open and exclaim: WTF!

Asylum Movies!

Visit the Asylum Store and fill those stockings with something slightly less useful than socks and underwear.

Plus, orders made by 12 noon on December 18, 2009  will be delivered before Christmas (provided the titles are available now and the delivery location is within the continental United States. Sorry to all our fans in Turkmenistan…).

But wait, there’s more: Some of our newest titles are on SALE for a limited time.

Buy our movies… they’re more entertaining than a lead-filled toy hamster…